“I am….someone,,,, someone who looks at life in a very casual way. I don’t think about the counter effects of my deeds. I have no idea as to why am I like this? People say that it’s not good to be like this. I need to be more serious, I need to think and believe that the world is not just “me”,,, there are others around me who can be affected because of me…” – “Bang!!!….”, there was a loud sound….I pressed hard on the breaks!!!!
I could see a bottle of blood, hanging to a stand; it was full…There were many people sitting there. Some were talking, some sitting alone, some crying. There were men in white, discussing with each other, women in white carrying trays of different coloured bottles inside the operation theatre. An old guy, somewhere around in his sixties, that is how he seemed to me,,,, with firm hands and a firm face went inside the OT along with some young docs and then closed the door. Some middle aged men in khaki were standing and talking among themselves, they seemed not to care of the situation around, as if this is what they see daily. I sat there watching all…..I saw people with disabilities crossing my way…. Somehow I didn’t understand why people like to live their lives when they can’t do anything other than being a burden on others….After a second, I felt disappointed with myself for having thought like that. I was exhausted sitting there without knowing the further course of action that I had to do. I wanted to go out, breathe fresh air, go to my work place and sit comfortably in my chair. I was surprised to find myself longing to be at a place where I had never liked to be. I looked at the men in khaki… I wanted a way by which I could have gone out without them stopping me or rather noticing me.
A young girl, aged around six came running towards me.... I had somehow escaped to the open area when no one was noticing me. She was small, with long, unruly hair and was wearing a frilled dress, torn from many sides. She seemed to be born and brought up in dust and mud; it seemed as if she didn’t take bath for days together. She clung to my pants,,, I was disgusted,,, she was unhygienic and I was kind of a person who cared for hygiene more than anything else. I tried to make her run away, but there was no way I could succeed. After a lot of struggle I finally asked her what she wanted...She smiled at me,,,a smile that I can never forget!!! She caught hold of my hand, and started pulling me ,,,, I wanted to,,, but, somehow couldn’t resist her. She took me to a small roadside fruit shop and pointed her little fingers towards a watermelon kept there. I thought that I could buy her this and I did so. There was something in this little girl that pulled me towards her.....She then took me to a lane behind the shop. The place was a perfect slum,,, with small hut type houses lined up adjacent to each other,,,, garbage loitered all around along with human and animal excreta lying in the open air. I still went with her, without any thoughts running in my mind. She at last reached a hut,, she let loose my hands,, went inside,,, I followed her. The place was very small and dark,,, I could never have imagined myself at a place like this. But still today, I was here,,,, I had no answer as to why I allowed her to bring me here!!! There was a lady lying down on a mat on the floor.....she seemed to be carrying... The little girl bent down, touched the lady on her face with her small hands,,,, pointed towards the melon and then towards me and said something,,,, something in her language....I understood that this lady was her mother by the way she hugged the little thing in her arms. The small girl then took the melon and started cutting it with the help of a knife.... She fed her mother who was still lying,,, it seemed to me that the lady was not in a situation to get up and work for herself. I looked at the girl.... she was so small.... but the way she handled her mother was surprising,,, rather shocking for me!!! I felt suffocated inside the hut,,,, not because of the smell and size of the room, but mainly because.... there was something that was going on in front of my eyes which I could have never myself done in my whole life. I started walking back to the hospital....I felt a touch,,, the same one that I had felt just some time ago. She smiled....showing her teeth,,, I bent down, and she kissed me on my cheeks,,, I looked at her for some time and then hugged her. I was unable to understand as to,,, how can a small baby of her age be so responsible, loving and caring? I was so big,,,, but still immature,,,, how was I ever going to be like what she is???
I walked in again,,, noticing the people with disabilities. I then looked up towards the people who accompanied them. Some of them had a worried look, some were having a firm face, and some were smiling and making their loved one smile. Their world looked completely different to me now,,, than some minutes ago. They were sad, they were in middle of a trauma...but still they were together, living for one another....and making their loved ones feel safe, had become a reason for their survival. I went and sat down near the OT. There was a woman in a red and green saree, crying,,, a man in blue and black holding her in his arms....tensed and sad!!! The helpless look on their faces made me feel guilty and helpless myself. I wanted to go and console them. But, how could I have done that? It was because of me that they were here!!! I looked at the cops in khaki,,,, they still didn’t seem to be bothered too much about the incident. The old guy, came outside the OT, and said to the couple, “We have done our level best!!! Please pray that everything will be fine and alright.”
I was feeling very uneasy... the place was dark, with no lights around!!! It was stinking.... a place I had never ever thought I’ll be in. I felt miserable; I wanted to go out... I wanted breathe in fresh air,,,, for a moment I felt that I wanted to go back to the slum where I had been some time ago!!! I wanted to talk to someone...I wanted to go back home. I wanted to confess all my wrong doings and I wanted to apologize to the people whom I have hurt....especially my parents!!! I called out,,, but nobody listened,,, I shouted,,, only to get back the scolding’s of fellow inmates,,,, I banged hard on the grills,,,, I desperately wanted to meet someone whom I knew....
I sat on the floor,,,I closed my eyes,,,there was nothing other than darkness that I could see!!! The little girl’s face came in front of me... I was taken aback,,,, I was scared!!! For a moment I couldn’t feel anything...There was something in her that made me feel that I was someone who was totally wrong!!! She challenged the human in me!!! But, yes,,, I did find an answer to the questions that were going around in my head for a long time now!!! I found an urgent need for me to change,,,, change for good!!! I wanted to confess to my parents that I had thought of sending them to old age home, I wanted to tell my wife that I had not found her beautiful enough and had thought of seeking a divorce, I wanted to let my children know that I had never cared much about their future..... I wanted to tell them all how much I love them, I wanted to tell them that I’ll never repeat my mistakes again,,,I wanted to tell them that I’ll provide them everything that they wanted in life,,, I wanted to tell them that how much I regretted the sins I had committed.....and I wanted to tell them that I wanted them for my life to be complete.... I wanted to go back to them, to see them, to feel their closeness,,, to feel protected in the shade of their love!!!
There was a noise,,, I looked up... the gate was opening. A thin figure wearing khaki and a stick in hand came in....the sight of which worried me more!!! But then, I was determined and was ready to receive the fruits of my wrong doings!!! He asked me to get up and follow him, which I did obediently. He took me to a room which had two doors, an old wooden table and two old chairs kept on either sides of the table. There was a fan on the ceiling and a bulb on the right wall. I sat on a chair as ordered by the cop. All my sensations were lost... I was not able to think anything.... My carelessness, my carefree nature had cost me dearly... I looked blankly at the walls in front of me.... The other door opened,,, there was a slight ray of sun that penetrated in,,, after hours I saw a ray of hope,,, Two figures accompanied the thin cop,,,, they came near me,,, I burst into tears when I saw them, they hugged me,,, She grasped me tightly in her arms as she used to do in my childhood whenever I was scared!!! He kept his right hand on my head and held my right hand with his left....I felt protected,,, I felt like being safe!!! The door opened again,,, the sun rays this time were more than the first time.... A man in black came in accompanied by the women who had been my best half for years together.... He said, “The little boy in OT has regained consciousness!!! They have taken back the case.....now you are a free man again!!!”
